|Number of Appearances||5|
|Played by||Andy Daly|
|Latest Episode|| Atlantis Dire Warning
He is the self-proclaimed "Poet Laureate of the West" and is the author of the 398 page book You Must Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise, from a Life on the Range, detailing the plight of the modern cowboy. His book has a 4.95 star rating on Goodreads.com, where you can also read reviews.
He has been known to dig a hole in the earth and have sex with it (it gets lonely on the range). He has regular dealings with vampires and mummies, whose existence is never proven. He has never lost a fight with these creatures – partly due to his habit of keeping a stake of wood in his pant leg at all times.
Dalton was married and has children. According to Dalton, his wife was "too fat to get out of bed," and she is now the victim of an unsolved murder. Later, in New York, he lived with his girlfriend, whose murder is also unsolved.
Dalton hasn't been on a horse since the 1980s.
Due to the incompetency of the publisher of his book, city slickin' Russel Shein, Dalton has come up with the The Dalton Wilcox Bookstore Challenge with the hopes of getting his book into more B. Dalton's or other, still existing, bookstores.
|Episode||Release Date||Other Characters||Guests|
|442: Atlantis Dire Warning||8.29.16||Ming, Neptuna||Jeremy Rowley|
|300: Oh, Golly! You Devil||7.21.14||Chip Gardner, Hot Dog, Bill Carter, Golly, Byron Denniston, Cactus Tony, Don DiMello, Patrick McMahon, Andi Callahan, Clive Dundee, August Lindt, Danny Mahoney, Ben Alterman||Jason Mantzoukas|
|274: Oh, Golly!||3.3.14||Gil & Golly||Jason Mantzoukas|
|262: 2013 Holiday Spectacular||12.16.13||Alan Thicke, Merrill Shindler, Bill Cosby-Bukowski, Frank Stallone, The Bachelor Brothers||Nick Lowe, Jason Mantzoukas, Paul Rust, Paul F. Tompkins, James Adomian, Neil Campbell, Jon Daly, Paul Scheer|
|148: Wipeout!||03.12.12||Don DiMello, Hot Dog, August Lindt, Danny Mahoney, Bill Carter, Patrick McMahon, Clive Dundee||Jason Mantzoukas|
Dalton reads his poem The Lonesome Cowboy on episode 148: Wipeout!:
- A cowboy is a lonesome man
- There's none more lonesome in the land
- He rides atop his only friend
- His horse, a companion on whom he can depend
- His woman may be miles behind him
- Sadness and desperation may find him
- But a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth
- To lend him solace and even mirth
- The earth from which all beauty springs
- Such bounty forth she always brings
- He'll dig a hole with cracked, scorched hands
- Pour in all the water that hole demands
- Until that earth is moist, just right
- The earth'll never put up any kind of a fight
- His cries of joy no one will hear
- In case I am not being clear
- I'm saying that cowboy is going to fuck a hole in the ground
- We all do it, that's what I have found
- Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell
- Can fashion a land virginny well
- If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds
- There'd be cowboys growing across the plains like weeds
Dalton reads his poem There's Other Things a Cowboy Can Also Fuck on episode 442: Atlantis Dire Warning:
- A lonesome cowboy, out on the range
- will fuck things a city-slicker might find strange.
- I am not speaking of the horse or the cow --
- because fuckin' them isn't so strange anyhow
- (in the natural relationship between man and those beasts
- there will always be a fuckin' once in a while at least).
- So I, my friends, am not talkin' about that.
- Nor am I talkin' about fuckin' your hat.
- There's nothin' strange about cowboy-hat fuckin';
- this is not a topic any cowboy will try duckin'.
- We all fuck our horses and our cows and our hats
- and our holsters and our boots and piles of coyote scat.
- I've told you before, we fuck holes in the ground
- in the poem which is deservedly my most renown.
- But there's other things a cowboy can also fuck;
- some he has handy, others require some luck.
- It is no great matter to fuck a tree,
- a wallet, or a can of beans; those things you can see.
- But a cowboy who is serious, determined, and disciplined...
- a cowboy like this can fuck the wind.
- Gotta have a speed of at least forty miles an hour
- and your hips have to have some real thrusting power.
- But when conditions are right, she's a very tender lover.
- One of the best six partners this cowboy has discovered.
- But don't do it too often; don't get overzealous.
- Because if you fuck the wind too much, the earth will get jealous.
Dalton reads his poem I One Time Killed a Frankenstein on his podcast The Wit and Wisdom of the West with Dalton Wilcox:
- I one time killed a Frankenstein whilst shopping in a store
- He lurched towards me, arms outstretched, as I ambled towards the door
- In my hands a new bandanna, a hat ten gallons deep
- In my body was a soul which my body aimed to keep
- His voice was ghastly as he spoke in halting monster speech
- And I tried with all my might to stay out of his reach
- He said, "you gotta pay for that," and filled my heart with dread
- And then I drew my six gun and shot the monster dead
- The news reports described the monster simply as a man
- To keep from terrifying folks as only a Frankenstein can