Would You Rather is a recurring segment on Comedy Bang! Bang! Would You Rather suggestions can be sent to @CBBWYR for possible use in upcoming shows. Suggestions should not be sent to @ScottAukerman, or they will be put on the Would You Rather pile, which is not like a wood pile where they would ostensibly be used; rather, it is a pile of discarded suggestions that will not be considered.
Would You Rather is played every week, without fail.
Theme Song[]
Would You Rather Theme-1
The ubiquitous Would You Rather theme comes from The Frogs, a musical adapted by Stephen Sondheim. It is typically strictly forbidden to interrupt the theme at any point, and Scott has docked players points for talking during the song, However, Scott is sometimes amenable to additions to the song, especially when Andrew Lloyd Webber is involved.
Would You Rather Phrases[]
Would You Rather plays out with Scott using most of the following phrases.
- Don't send suggestions to @ScottAukerman as they will be put on the Would You Rather pile, which is not like a wood pile where they would ostensibly be used.
- We all know how the game is played.
- There will be no warning before I close the floor for questions.
- The floor is now open for questions.
- Great question; this is exactly how we play the game.
- That's a classic Would You Rather blunder.
- I'm gonna have to dock you points for that.
- This is unprecedented!
- The floor is closed.
- An interesting vote from an interesting player.
- How do you like to vote?
- -3 points for being a woman.
List of Would You Rather Games[]
Note: While Would You Rather is played every single week, the below is a list of notable episodes featuring the game.
| Episode | Question | Winner |
|---|---|---|
| 617: Modern Nursery Rhymes | Would you rather every person born in February have the ability to fly OR roll dice every morning to decide what job you will have that day? | No winner announced |
| 607: Are You A Heaux? | Would you rather shoot lasers from your eyes but they are the kind of lasers used in Lasik surgery OR jump super high but nobody is ever impressed and thinks you're showing off, even if it's to help them to get their cat out of a tree? | Judge Heaux Brown (Ego Nwodim) |
| 600: Patrick McMahon Returns: A Story About Johnny McGory | Would you rather cry tears made of sweet and sour sauce that tastes just a little off OR have Coolio rap the entirety of Gangsta's Paradise to you every time you're about to have sex without breaking eye contact? | Jason Mantzoukas |
| 598: Secret Shopping with Motley Crue | Would you rather live in a house made entirely from gold except for the toilets OR you can talk to animals but only ten minutes before and after you orgasm? | Nikki Sixx (Natalie Palamides) & Nikki Seven (Courtney Pauroso), The Super Secret Shopper (Ryan Rosenberg) |
| 597: Simpson and Smith: Selling Stories | Would you rather have to give a toast anytime someone says "have a nice day" OR sell your car for a Flintstone mobile? | Denny Simpson (Zac Oyama) |
| 586: Butt First | Would you rather hunt ghosts with O.J. Simpson OR always have to have a mouthful of pudding that you can't swallow? | Devon Westinghouse (Colton Dunn) |
| 581: Thickest Oompa Loompa | Would you rather achieve the level of success of a main cast member of Friends but you lose all your friends and can gain no more OR never reach Friends-level success but David Schwimmer becomes your personal assistant for the rest of your life? | Willamina Wonka (Ego Nwodim) |
| 573: Alfred Molina Flair | Would you rather have a kazoo for a nose OR have anyone named Chris be able to read your mind? | Jack Furz (Ben Rodgers) |
| 569: Dull Knives, Sturdy Eyes | Would you rather die from drawing in a septic tank OR survive drowning in a septic tank? | Billy (Jon Mackey) |
| 562: They'ven't Yet | Would you rather get VIP access to the graduation ceremonies of anyone you want OR always carry two briefcases, one of which has your soul? | Daniel Faraway (Matt Besser) |
| 558: Ship of Love | Would you rather grow a feather every time you’re sexually attracted to someone OR vomit every time you heard a proper noun? | Chase Varner (Zac Oyama) |
| 534: Solid As A Rock | Would you rather have the love of your life always talk like Rodney Dangerfield whenever he or she is within 100 feet of an inkjet printer OR have an asshole that occasionally sings like Pavarotti? | Franklin (Ego Nwodim) |
| 533: Is That Chocolate, Or What? | Would you rather have a pocket that always has a new one-dollar bill in it OR free gum for life? | Jergen Tavikya (Mano Agapion) |
| 528: This Is The Story of My Life | Would you rather have the only CD you own be enraged whale songs OR be forced to have dinner with Kid Rock every night? | Josh Fox (Drew Tarver) |
| 488: 3 Kidnapped Boys | Would you rather Terry Bradshaw whisper all your shortcomings in your ear as you go to sleep every night OR have a painful, incurable hangnail? | Al Madrigal |
| 486: Schwimm On In | Would you rather own the Cadillac of all things except cars OR your silly putty butt cheeks itch when flying on your giant purple bird man? | Vernita Wyatt (Jordan Black) |
| 484: Pre Chowder | Would you rather fly Trump Airlines OR would you rather fly Virgin Airlines? | Gino Lombardo (Jon Gabrus) AND Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 483: The 420 Show | Would you rather nearly all dogs go to heaven and fishermen rule the world OR your hands are made of corn and when popped, you grow ten feet tall for one day? | Colin Ramsey (Matt Besser) |
| 453: Unblocked and Unlocked | Would you rather only rich people can get STDs OR all of your pant zippers are sentient with 80s TV show personalities and you smell fear if tired? | Eden Sher |
| 430: Man Veils | Would you rather Fred Savage look like his name OR believe that Phantasm was based on a true story? | Beth (Jessica McKenna) |
| 427: True Russian Facts | Would you rather only be able to read out loud and have moss for hair OR grant wishes to people with Hitler mustaches and be a super fast unicyclist? | No winner announced (game is aborted) |
| 414: Hollywood Handbook Comedy! (Hollywood Edition) | Would you rather have to work in a free clinic in 2050's Russia twice a week OR your family crest is a banana and Die Hard movies starred Bill Shatner? | No winner announced |
| 393: Peanuts Awareness | Would you rather everyone follows the New Year's resolution of the person farthest from them on New Year's Eve OR cooked meat still acts alive? | Ben Schwartz |
| 381: Kitchen Stand-Up | Would you rather your blood is green, magnetic, tastes of kiwi, and you have too much of it OR a different dead comedian will travel with you every day? | Terry Burkhalter (Drew Tarver) |
| 377: Good Night in the Morning | Would you rather eat a hot dog every time you're greeted OR feel great constantly but you end every reply to anyone with "now go fuck yourself?" | Tatiana Maslany, Scarsdale (Paul F. Tompkins & Lauren Lapkus), Salantame (Lauren Lapkus), Belissima (Tatiana Maslany) |
| 374: Tick Tock Clawk | Would you rather all your haircuts end up looking like a loaf of bread OR every piece of furniture you sit on turns into wet sponges? | Marco (Fran Gillespie) |
| 368: Ric Bic for President | Would you rather have intestines sensitive as fingertips OR have theme music by Christian hair metal band Stryper play whenever you enter a room? | Rob Huebel |
| Live at Outside Lands | Would you rather be a piano virtuoso but only during a full moon OR five times in your life be able to summon Al Pacino to help you with stuff? | Bernie Sanders (James Adomian) |
| 363: Wet Hot Crew | Would you rather sneeze cheeseburgers constantly OR live in a world where pop culture references cause unwanted pregnancies? | Marguerite Moreau |
| 359: TofuPeople | Would you rather have an unlimited supply of life-sized cut-outs of any person or thing you have licked OR toss your cookies whenever you see tape measures? | Kumail Nanjiani |
| 352: Scrunchy Face | Would you rather be able to jump to the moon but have a fork as a hand OR be able to make any food appear at will but it's always too salty? | Bernie Sanders (James Adomian) |
| 342: A Silicon Valley P-Cast | Would you rather be my grandpa OR my grandma? | Kumail Nanjiani |
| 341: Banging the Table with Stars | Would you rather have eyes that look like buttholes OR have to forever wear sandals and flip-flops? | Claudia O’Doherty |
| 340: LIVE from SXSW 2015 II | Would you rather your tears are Koosh balls and you have a wooden butt OR you sneeze bullets and cause those you touch to fear balloons but not on Sundays? | Tig Notaro |
| 339: LIVE from SXSW 2015 | Would you rather have the ability to fly but you have to watch Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace twice a day OR be the wealthiest person on Earth but you're only allowed to buy Bee Movie merchandise? | No winner announced |
| 338: Be My Guest, Literally! | Would you rather be the best surgeon ever but bees rule the world OR live in the biggest, most amazing treehouse as an immortal but never leave? | Michael Ableson |
| 337: The Ying and the Yankovic | Would you rather carry a tiny baby in a fanny pack on your person at all times OR get a tattoo of every person you've ever loved? | Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 334: The Dream Team | Would you rather have to do a double take every time someone passed away of old age OR have only one shirt that is one size too large? | David Cross |
| 330: Peruvian Pullovers | Would you rather have the world's first talking dog but it's always gossiping about you OR be forced to write and direct an Encino Man stage play? | Jim Rash |
| 328: Beatle Heaven | Would you rather throw up once a day but not know when OR be able to fly for five minutes but only after doing the Hammer Dance in front of 500+ people? | Anders Holm |
| 327: Bang! Bang! Into Your Mouth | Would you rather live 100 years but you must hold your breath the whole time OR live one year with a tiny gnome in your pocket constantly reminding you of your death? | Uncle Stoney (Horatio Sanz) |
| 325: Musical Organs | Would you rather be shrunk down and placed into Jason Mantzoukas's beard, forced to find your way through on a quest to save a baby from David Bowie, OR live in a world where every time someone snapped into a Slim Jim the ghost of Macho Man Randy Savage would appear to grant one wish, with the catch being that all wishes had to deal with revenge? | Markis Campbell (Will Hines) |
| 324: Golden Duchess Cruise Lines | Would you rather only be able to have sex to a looping repeat of Bill O'Reilly screaming, "How dare you!" OR have a special phone that all relatives above the age of 50 will use to call you for computer questions? | Marla Charles (Lauren Lapkus) |
| Live from Festival Supreme 2014 | Would you rather have a tiny goblin slap your food to the ground every time you try to eat OR gain mental control over all humans as long as you can perform pull-ups without dropping? | Traci Rearden (Lauren Lapkus) |
| 316: In the Larp Run | Would you rather have to get married in 30 days to inherit $100 million dollars but you're also becoming an alligator OR spend 16 hours a day fighting off LARPers? | Dane Cook |
| Live from New York Comic Con 2014 | Would you rather wake up next to a headless clown handcuffed to a briefcase of money once a month OR be dangerously attractive people over 80? | Todd Barry |
| 313: Gumbo Challenge | Would you rather have to loudly sing the theme to Weird Science whenever someone talks to you OR have two snakes for arms instead of actual arms until you get a Ph.D. in D&D? | Paul Banks AND Aaron Neville (Horatio Sanz) |
| 312: Grounded Me@ | Would you rather have the powers of Superman but also have schizophrenia OR have to fuck any food before eating it? | Andy Samberg AND Todd (Lauren Lapkus) |
| 311: Denny's Boys | Would you rather live in a world where finger guns shoot real bullets OR where fist bumps cause real explosions? | No winner announced |
| 305: CattleLickItUp | Would you rather summon velociraptors any time you sneeze OR be with a partner who posts public reviews of your sexual performances online? | Gino Lambardo (Jon Gabrus) |
| 298: The Hotwives of Orlando | Would you rather give a King of Pop eulogy for everyone named Michael Jackson's funeral OR be the stand-in for every broken Chuck E. Cheese robot? | Alli (Dannah Phirman) |
| Live from Chicago 2014 | Would you rather have to comment on everyone's teeth when you meet them OR only be able to quote lines from Shrek 2? | Tom Leykis (James Adomian) |
| 292: DJs Are Sleaze Js | Would you rather shed your skin like a snake every morning OR involuntarily catcall at everyone in the grocery store? | Merrill Garbus AND Jon Daly |
| 288: Back to Barz, Back to Reality | Would you rather personally replace every lightbulb in the United States OR dance nonstop on the floor of the House whenever Congress is in session? | Barzelona Marriott (Horatio Sanz) |
| Live from New York 2014 | Would you rather live in a world where bees are armed with swords OR all bad things anyone thinks of you would be psychically edited into your Wikipedia entry? | Alan Thicke (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 281: Bro Boarders | Would you rather fart Krazy Glue OR have the song "Goodbye Horses" play everytime you put on Chapstick? | XJR& (Matt Walsh) |
| 278: Only Tones | Would you rather live in a world where every year it rained guns for a day OR it rained fish hamburgers for a month? | Russell Crowe (James Adomian) |
| 277: Comedy Bang Me! | Would you rather wear a full Steve Harvey costume every weekend OR have a talking snake for a penis that spoils movies and shows? | The Bachelor Brothers (Paul Rust & Neil Campbell) |
| 276: LIVE from SXSW 2014 II | Would you rather have all of your bodily gas detoured to pipe organs which protrude from your spine OR feed Mickey Rooney his supper like a baby bird OR feed Andy Rooney his supper like a mama bird OR feed Todd Barry tacos? | Gino Lambardo (Jon Gabrus) |
| 275: LIVE from SXSW 2014 | Would you rather explain to a kindergarten class what herpes is OR cum plums from your bum, chum? | Scott Aukerman |
| 271: Tiny Little Boy Parts | Would you rather explain to your parents how sex works every night OR have your nipples lactate every five blocks you walk? | No winner announced |
| 269: Smaug's Kickstarter |
Would you rather have the offspring of every animal/human being/hobbit you ever ate, challenge you to a duel OR have Charles Grodin lecture you every time you fart and/or breathe fire? |
Paul Hornschemeier AND Smaug (Matt Besser) |
| 268: What Does the Fonz Say? |
Would you rather have to watch Scary Movie 3 every single morning OR have aviator sunglasses permanently attached to your face? |
Voda the Gypsy (Betsy Sodaro) |
| 267: That Wasn't It (I'm Back) (Hee Hee) | Would you rather be forced to lick the bottom of your shoe once every 15 minutes OR lose a finger every time you use the letter "V?" | Neil Campbell |
| 265: LIVE from RIOT LA | Would you rather hum the theme song to chariots of fire each time you orgasm OR have a rich man bring you pancakes? | Traci Rearden (Lauren Lapkus) |
| 263: Hollywild |
Would you rather only be able to clean yourelf with soup (not soap) OR have the combined powers of the Fantastic Four but only in your genitals? |
Coco Marx (Horatio Sanz) |
| 261: Nubile Agape | Would you rather always know the worst thing about someone upon first meeting OR have your emotions constantly summarized by a child? | Aaron Neville (Horatio Sanz) |
| 259: Charlotte's Website | Would you rather not know the difference between a baby and a potato OR every time you sneezed your gender would change? | David Alan Grier |
| 255: A Visit from Hee Hee-ll | Would you rather watch every James Bond movie back-to-back for the rest of your life OR use the word "butthole" in every sentence? | Michael Jackson's Ghost (Mookie Blaiklock) |
| 254: LIVE from Comedy Gives Back | Would you rather have all of your electronics be made of food OR have a furniture set made of human bones? | Jack Fitzgerald (Andy Daly) |
| 253: Fieri Fight | Would you rather get the lead role in a Broadway musical sympathetic to NAMBLA OR spend 48 hours at Sean Hannity's apartment, waiting for his FiOS installation? | No winner announced |
| 251: The Bed Spoiler | Would you rather have bones that perpetually emit the Spin Doctors' "Three Princes" if ever broken OR have psychic TV and movie spoiler orgasms OR have bones that smell like cat shit if you laugh OR cry spaghetti sauce? | Todd Glass |
| 249: Ice Cold STaB | Would you rather give birth to a Chipotle burrito every nine months OR always sneeze out M&M's? | Bob Odenkirk |
| 2013 Tour, Philadelphia | Would you rather have a penis that sings whenever it gets aroused OR be a stand-up comedian that can only tell jokes backwards? | No winner announced |
| 2013 Tour, Boston Pt. 2 | Would you rather fight a Sisyphean battle with a 60-foot mustard man OR hunt, melt, and drink a werewolf every full moon to prevent turning into a wereworm? | Wes Hazard |
| 2013 Tour, Boston Pt. 1 | Would you rather be able to make someone explode by elbowing them between the eyes OR make them spontaneously combust by cursing them, but it wouldn't happen for a year and your core body temperature permanently increases by 1° Fahrenheit each time you do it? | John C. Reilly (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 2013 Tour, Washington, D.C. Pt. 2 | Would you rather be instantly transported to the top of the Empire State Building each time you yawn OR be allergic to words starting with vowels? | No winner announced |
| 2013 Tour, Washington, D.C. Pt. 1 | Would you rather have to kill someone every time you sneeze OR spend the rest of your life being haunted by Mr. Rogers? | Garry Marshall (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 2013 Tour, New York Pt. 2 | Would you rather the only food you can eat is spray cheese that comes out of your butt OR get throat cancer every time you perform cunnilingus? | Banksy (Paul Scheer) AND Chris Gethard |
| 2013 Tour, New York Pt. 1 | Would you rather the only clothing you own is a sexy Bill Cosby outfit OR have to change your name every time you introduce yourself? | B.J. Novak |
| 2013 Tour, Toronto | Would you rather go through life with a unibrow if Narnia were real but you couldn't go there OR be able to transform into a fridge on command? | Sean Cullen |
| 2013 Tour, Detroit | Would you rather your mother turn into a giant block of ice each time you hear a can open OR become the ruler of time but only be able eat lemons? | Kurt Braunohler |
| 2013 Tour, Chicago | Would you rather age one year every time you sneeze OR repeat grades kindergarten through 12 as an adult? | Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) |
| 2013 Tour, Milwaukee | Would you rather have all of your medical exams in a taco truck OR tell everyone how ridiculous their outfits look before every conversation? | |
| 2013 Tour, Seattle |
Would you rather read the entire Bible after waking up each morning OR crap yourself every time you see a dollhouse? Would you rather be a dog OR a fish? |
John Roderick (after two rounds and a sing-off) |
| 2013 Tour, Portland | Would you rather have to marry everyone you date OR be a ghost lawyer? | Ice-T (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 246: Butthole Baby | Would you rather watch every James Bond movie back-to-back for the rest of your life OR use the word "butthole" in every sentence OR have no butthole baby sister? |
Janelle & Jolene Johnson (Casey Wilson & June Diane Raphael) |
| 2013 Tour, San Francisco | Would you rather only be able to achieve orgasm while infiltrating nuns' prayer groups in habit OR only see Carrot Top movies ever? | Werner Herzog (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 244: An Ode to New York! | Would you rather only be able to communicate using singing clams you have to dive for OR endlessly eat your own Medusa hair to prevent petrification? | Scott Aukerman |
| 240: #TheWorldsEnd | Would you rather be able to talk to animals but just mean ones (for example, jellyfish or mosquitos) OR have the power of flight after a mandatory four-hour TSA check? | Edgar Wright AND Nick Frost |
| 239: New Dad | Would you rather clone yourself every time you fart OR have to restart your life under an assumed name every time you see a celebrity in person? | Jay Mohr |
| 237: Filipino Blockbuster | Would you rather have a private jet you can't fly OR have to wear a Sorceror Mickey costume at work? | Nick Thune |
| 236: Murderer Heaven | Would you rather only board planes that crash into Utah OR morph between male and female genitalia every time you have to poop? | Rob Corddry AND Scott Aukerman |
| Just for Laughs Montreal, Pt. 2 | Would you rather have a Star Trek food replicator that never gets your order right OR a personal chef that always sleeps in your bed? | Beverly Ginsberg (Jamie Denbo) |
| Just for Laughs Montreal, Pt. 1 | Would you rather have it be generally accepted in the scientific community that you are the missing link OR be French Stewart's personal valet? | Tig Notaro |
| 232: LIVE from San Diego Comic-Con | Would you rather have the powers of Superman but have to perform every circumcision on the planet OR spend 19 hours of every day on a toilet? | Hot Dog (Andy Daly) |
| 230: Something for Everything |
Would you rather be in a buddy cop comedy with Donald Trump forever OR have to let a family of spiders live in your ear? |
Neil Campbell |
| 224: Live from Austin |
Would you rather be in a buddy cop comedy with Donald Trump forever OR have to let a family of spiders live in your ear OR get bit by a squirrel-snake? |
No winner announced |
| 221: The Cake Council | Would you rather fuck a donkey but no one would know about it OR not fuck a donkey but everyone would think you did? | Andy Richter AND Cake Boss (Paul F. Tompkins) in a Cake-Tie |
| 217: The WTF Hour | Would you rather live in a world where cars are run on semen OR where everyone loves the Star Wars prequels more than the originals? | No winner announced |
| 212: Comedy Bleep Bleep | Would you rather play cowboys and Indians with Bill Cosby every Tuesday for the rest of your life OR be common-law married to Bigfoot? | Gordon Ramsay (James Adomian) |
| 210: A Spiritual Journey | Would you rather run a chain of farmyard-themed barbecue restaurants OR live as a minor character in a cop drama? | Adam Brody |
| 208: Zombie Candles | Would you rather run a crime syndicate of nuns and grandmas OR only be able to tweet about your poops? | Doug Benson |
| 206: Live from SXSW 2013 | Would you rather have to spoon a sweaty Richard Simmons every time you fall asleep OR drink piping hot mayonnaise as your only beverage for life? | Reggie Watts |
| 205: Titans of Comedy | Would you rather be the world's greatest chef but have to absorb baby souls to cook OR have the ability to fly but every time you do you lose one finger? | Jazz Jazz the Barber (Eugene Cordero) |
| 199: Garry Unmarried | Would you rather eat every meal on the basketball hoop at Madison Square Garden OR give every person you see directions on how to get where they are going? | Gillian Jacobs AND Garry Marshall (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 198: Aren't You Glad | Would you rather only be able to get around by rolling upon a computer chair OR have to lick the entire outer surface area of anything you eat before you eat it? | Ron Sexsmith |
| 195: Making the Snow Angel | Would you rather give a presidential concession speech before every meal OR have Wes Anderson film all of your sex scenes OR have to wear a bow tie and a propellor hat for the rest of your life OR have a Tyler Durden-type split-personality but with an Olsen twin? | Billy Eichner |
| 193: What Else? What Else? | Would you rather fart the number of hours like a grandfather clock chimes the hours OR have a moustache that is a homosexual? | Kristen Schaal |
| 184: Pop and Politics | Would you rather always have an erection but it's so small no one can see it OR have fur coats as the only clothing on your upper body forever? | Pat Buchanan (James Adomian) |
| 178: Motor Boating Around Town | Would you rather instead of pooping your hair grows super fast OR your crotch is Jerry Garcia's face? | Rob Corddry |
| 174: Series Regulars | Would you rather not have arms on the worst day of your life not to have arms OR permanently forget what poison is? | Gil Faizon |
| 2012 Tour, Vancouver | Would you rather have it so that every time you touch a kitten's belly it lets out a poop OR be forced to write Hitler fan fiction forever? | Tim Heidecker |
| 2012 Tour, Washington, D.C. | Would you rather dig through dinosaur poop every time you need money OR have a Kramer meltdown that's posted on YouTube every birthday? | Kurt Braunohler |
| 2012 Tour, New York Pt. 1 | Would you rather become incontinent every time you were happy OR speak like Fred from The B-52s whenever you were upset? | Kurt Braunohler |
| 2012 Tour, Boston | Would you rather have dinner with your parents every night in ethnic restaurants OR have an ass screen that everyone wanted to watch? | Curiosity Mars Rover (Taran Killam) |
| 2012 Tour, Los Angeles | Would you rather have Mr. T's head on top of yours and embarrass you when you talk to the opposite sex OR have severe, untreated clinical depression? | Adam Scott |
| 2012 Tour, Portland | Would you rather fall into a pile of puke on every tenth step you take OR every morning you wake up by being born from a random woman? | Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 2012 Tour, Seattle | Would you rather perpetually walk in on people masturbating OR pay Tone Lōc twenty dollars every time you fart? | No winner announced |
| 2012 Tour, Chicago Pt. 2 | Would you rather be able to fly, but only at walking speed, OR be an otherwise invisible ghost with visible jizz? | Michael Phelps (Matt Besser) AND Gary Busey (James Adomian) |
| 2012 Tour, Chicago Pt. 1 | Would you rather be a zombie, but everyone thinks you're normal, OR have every Siri question come straight to you? | Merrill Shindler (James Adomian) |
| 2012 Tour, Minneapolis | Would you rather watch every episode of M*A*S*H in reverse order on half-speed OR take a shower in every restroom you visit? | Jesse Ventura (James Adomian) |
| 170: New Scoop | Would you rather have carpeted armpits OR have the skeleton of a turkey on your person at all times? | Martin Starr |
| 168: Breaking Bread | Would you rather only be able to sleep on a couch five inches shorter than you OR randomly get more twisted ankles than anyone normally would? | Bob Odenkirk |
| 167: New No-Nos | Would you rather have a bathroom radar, which makes you aware of when everyone around you needs the bathroom OR work in a restaurant in which twice a day you chop your fingers off and they're served in fancy meals? | Marissa Wompler (Jessica St. Clair) |
| 2012 Tour, San Diego | Would you rather be allergic to oxygen OR spend the rest of your life trying to find the ends of rainbow? | John Daly (Jon Daly) |
| 164: Clifton Was Here | Would you rather be hairless except for the palms of your hands and eyeballs OR unable to digest foods ending in a vowel? | Tony Clifton |
| 163: Burning Love | Would you rather have to re-learn the rules of bridge every day OR be personally responsible for catching people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? | Mark Orlando (Ken Marino) |
| 162: Best Bro Hang | Would you rather have VCR tapes for hands OR be assigned by law to care for tiny versions of the American presidents? | Bro (Adam Pally) |
| 159: Apicklelypse | Would you rather be best friends with your biggest enemy OR have pickles for legs? | Alison Brie |
| 158: Words with Friends | Would you rather have rocket shoes that take you fast to boring places OR a talking cat that only tells you what your friends say behind your back? | Gillian Jacobs |
| 152: Behind the Irony Curtain | Would you rather pee energy drinks OR spend every Wednesday yelling? | Dale (Ed Helms) |
| 151: Fan Fiction | Would you rather have a banshee scream directly into your ear the second you fall asleep every night for the rest of your life OR pee skyscrapers? | Fred Savage |
| 147: Raisin Norman Bates | Would you rather constantly find $100 bills OR always find Star Wars figures that are worth $100? | Greg Proops |
| 146: Climbing the Ladder | Would you rather never use any receptacle ever again (bag, bowl, glass, pocket, etc.) OR uncontrollably salivate pudding? | Ben Schwartz |
| 144: Clones and Oliver Stones | Would you rather clone yourself every time you fart OR have to restart your life every time you see a celebrity in person? | Michael Cassady |
| 143: Grammy Spectacular | Would you rather have love handles that sing your weight every hour OR always have to act out your most traumatic moments using marionettes? | Liza Minnelli (Amy Phillips) |
| 138: Ghost Protocol | Would you rather have to always wear rollerskates OR exist only in peoples dreams? | Werner Herzog (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 134: Bride of Chucky | Would you rather have your butthole take the best pictures in the world OR only wear Big Dog T-shirts for the rest of your life? | Tie game (Ben Schwartz, Kevin Nealon AND Jennifer Tilly (Amy Phillips) |
| 133: Fortunately Unfortunately | Would you rather eat an entire Christmas tree OR have all of your children have Jim Carrey's face from The Grinch tattooed on their chests? | Patton Oswalt |
| 132: Occupy Thanksgiving | Would you rather make sweet passionate love a to a sycamore OR direct an all-kangaroo shot-for-shot remake of E.T.? | Dov Charney (James Adomian) |
| Would you rather spend two hours a day listening to OJ tell non-football stories OR end every conversation by Quantum Leap-ing out? | Elizabeth Laime | |
| 127: National Pleasure | Would you rather go to a movie OR just hang out and maybe order a pizza? | Co-Champions Bob Cage (Paul Scheer), Nick Swardson AND Brody Stevens |
| 123: No Scoop For You | Would you rather have to paint Rob Lowe's nails every day OR eat a corn dog without the stick?
Would you rather yell "White Power!" anytime you exit a vehicle OR always cut through a yard of 8 feet high grass to leave a building? |
Amy Poehler |
| 122: Shanghaied by Irene | Would you rather have to adopted a baby every time you heard "Don't Stop Believin'" OR never see the last 15 minutes of every movie you watched? | Yo La Tengo |
| Bumbershoot 2011, Day 3 | Would you rather hear Liza Minnelli songs every time you tried to fall asleep OR spontaneously combust every time someone says your name? | No winner announced |
| Bumbershoot 2011, Day 2 | Would you rather have skin made of Nacho Cheese Doritos OR only be able to make a goofy face at funerals? | Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| Bumbershoot 2011, Day 1 | Would you rather channel a different ghost every time you had sex OR have to rap your feelings during emotional conversations? | Mr. Brainwash (Paul F. Tompkins) but ceded to Anthony Jeselnik |
| 117: Can't Never Did Nothing | Would you rather go back in time and live as Nixon's dingleberry for time in office OR get new iPhone before friends and be a real dick about it? | Sam Darling (Chad Carter) |
| 116: When I Go to Queens... | Would you rather have all of your children die on their fifth birthday OR be a Waffle House manager? | Todd Glass |
| 112: Since You've Been Gone | Would you rather live in a hot air balloon and have a Frankenstein brain OR have a pack of black cats follow you around asking if you're eating tuna? | No winner announced |
| 106.5: It's a Fucking Podcast Pt. 2 | Would you rather be a peeping Tom pervert who accidentally witnesses a suicide OR have stink lines coming off of you at all times? | Cake Boss (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 99: Somethin' for Daddy! | Who would rather sweat live ants OR quantum leap into whomever is about to have sex with Glenn Bleck every time he has sex? | Don DiMello (Andy Daly) |
| 95: Phishing for Compliments | Would you rather be the new lead singer of The Beatles OR eat a shrimp whenever someone says the word 'manager?'
Would you rather be John Belushi's ghost OR Jim Belushi's couch? |
King George VI (Matt Besser) |
| 92: How's Your Boner? | Would you rather have a tiny Marlon Brando always drowning in your drinks OR a giant Marlon Brando always stealing your food? | Scott Aukerman |
| 88: Impression Off | Would you rather reenact The Who's Tommy every night before bed OR do pottery with Patrick Swayze's ghost every time you eat a burrito? | Matt Braunger |
| 77: Crappy Howl-o-ween! | Would you rather have a zombified penis that constantly tries to eat you OR live in a world with teethed vaginas? | Cyberthug (Jerry Minor) |
| 76.5: Don't Cry Rolling Skate Train | Would you rather have own magical penny OR have a nose that was able to lift off like a jetpack after every sneeze? | Dame Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber (Paul F. Tompkins) |
| 62: Serious or Sarcastic? | Would you rather be Wesley Snipes's assistant OR hit a child with a car? | Don't Stop or We'll Die (Michael Cassady, Harris Wittels, Paul Rust) |
| 59: Free Subarus for Moms! | Would you rather only dress as a civil war soldier OR always smell like bad perfume? | Todd Glass |
| Just for Laughs Chicago 2010 | Would you rather have people always think you've just farted OR be only able to speak using quotes from the Twilight movies? | Huell Howser (James Adomian) |
| 44: We Got a Caller on the Line | Would you rather fight the ghost of Abe Lincoln OR eat your cell phone and gain its powers? | El Chupacabra (Nick Kroll) |
| 40: Happy Valentines Day |
Would you rather eat with your hands for the rest of your life OR eat your hands and then get prosthetics that can hold utensils? Would you rather host the Tonight Show OR drive an old-timey car? |
Doug Benson |
| 31: Happy Black Friday! | Would you rather eat a turkey the size of John Goodman or a John Goodman the size of a turkey?
Would you rather be the first pregnant man or have Adam Lambert sing you to bed every night for the rest of your life? Would you rather go shopping at 4 am on Black Friday or be black on friday? |
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| 18: Poppin' Bottles | Would you rather get a small cut on your hand OR have your hand cut off and replaced with a hook?
Would you rather spend three years alone on a lunar mining rig OR let Dick Cheney breathe on your face? Would you rather be in jail OR be a jail? Would you rather get caught masturbating by you grandmother OR your granddaughter? |
Andy Kindler AND Jerry Minor |
| 17: Live from Downtown Franklin |
Would you rather have the perfect body or the perfect boner? Would you rather smell nothing but dog crap for a month or would you rather smell like dog crap for a month? |
No winner announced |
| 16: Bob Odenkirk's Death Bed |
Would you rather spend the rest of your life watching Larry King cover Michael Jackson's death or die right now? |
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| 15: Four Douche Episode |
Would you rather spend ten years in prison OR spend one year in prison? Would you rather discover the cure for cancer OR get cancer? Would you rather only be able to watch the Tyra show for the rest of your life OR watch anything you want at anytime? Would you rather make love to a living Kermit the frog OR the Kermit muppet operated by a living Jim Henson who will not look at you? |
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| 14: An Old Fashioned Dinner |
Would you rather go on a long car trip with your family OR go on a short car trip with your family? Would you rather have hot boiling coffee thrown in your eye OR drink hot but less than boiling question? |